What Do You Bring to Life's Potluck?

Every year during June – the month designated for the celebration of Pride – some straight person will snicker that there should also be straight parades. Not parades which march in a perfectly linear direction… but parades organized to showcase heterosexuality. Such comments are mostly in jest since straight people inherently realize that orientation alone feeds no one at a potluck.

By way of explanation, the celebration of Pride was intended to destigmatize homosexuality in the 1970s. The movement advocated recognition of homosexuals’ worthy contributions to society, and consequently, inclusion of these people into the mainstream. Thus, inclusivity became inseparable from Pride. At least if we’re talking about every orientation except straight.

Pride has since become a celebration of orientation and identification in their own right. Its marketing gives the impression that belonging to alternative orientations and identifications is the be-all end-all for human achievement. Thus, videos are uploaded to worldwide viewership in which someone performatively outs himself zirself as non-binary, or shows off the current stage of transitioning, or declares oneself two-spirited (on the hyper-competitive internet, such a person will soon be one-upped by a three-spiriter!). It’s as if those uploading their videos expect a standing ovation for their life’s biggest announcement. Meanwhile the rest of us in dead-pan are just thinking, “And?”

Such declarations “outing” oneself about identification and orientation are important to a person’s development within certain contexts. Coming clean with family and friends about oneself can be cathartic, clearing the air about what to expect from these relationships. But TikTok and Instagram aren’t well suited to one-on-one revelations of this sort. Instead, a billion strangers blankly stare at a person at his most vulnerable, and all they’re thinking is, “Great. What are you bringing to the potluck?”

Figuratively speaking, we all bring something to society’s potluck. Maybe you’re a disc jockey who programs music for parties. Or a radiologist who interprets x-rays. Or a florist who sells flowers. You may even write Substacks which no one reads. The point is that those in your immediate dating pool may care about your orientation and identification… but the rest of us just want to know how you fit into the larger world we inhabit.

This is the realization which inheres in straight people. No one applauds the straight person (that is, cis-gendered and heteronormative, as goes the lingo) who “comes out” by professing interest in another opposite-sexed straight person because it’s taken for granted. Instead, the expectation becomes, “What will you contribute to society?” You are invaluable to your intimate partner and family, but you serve humanity by your contributions in commerce and profession.

Therefore, in the spirit of true inclusivity, if anyone wants to organize a celebration for the orientation which coincidentally brought us all into existence, then now’s as good a time as any for a straight parade. Pride has rapidly expanded to cover the orientations of LGBTQIADP²+… seemingly it’s bound to run into the S sometime.

As for our flag, the rainbow’s fully taken, so we’ll have to stick to achromatics like black and white. We could mix them into one of fifty shades of grey… but that might infringe on a BDSM kink. Maybe a black and white checkered flag like that seen when your racecar zooms across the finish line in NASCAR… or is that too much innuendo?

In any case, when the marketing details are all sorted and the permits secured, happily I’ll take position on the float to cruise along the avenue. Pridefully I’ll hold aloft in both hands bunches of helium balloons which read, “I like breastises!”

By the next block, I expect the procession to be halted as we all get Title VII’d!